When I Become Philosopher-King

Someday it will happen. I will awaken to the glorious news that it has come down, from some divine/mystical source, from a black hole distant gamma burst of pinpoint accuracy, an electromagnetic anomaly beamed from the molten iron core of the planet, an 11th dimension focused energy beam from entities beyond our comprehension, a beacon from beyond life and death as we know it, a plasmatic blast of previously unknown power-energy resulting from a distant Pacific atoll clandestine French nuclear blast, a glowing purple neon announcement a la a cosmic Batsignal blazing away in a roiling clouded night firmament, that I am now Philosopher-King of the World.

The changes will begin immediately:

- The good shall be rewarded, in every way possible, held up to public adoration, their deeds and work publicized and offered as an example to others.

- The bad shall be punished, quickly and severely, commensurate with their negative actions and crimes, and shall be held up to public vilification and condemnation, their punishment publicized widely, offered as an example to others.

- The idle shall be productive, whether they like it or not. The basic rule of thumb will be that of colonial Jamestown: no work, no food.

- The sick and needy will be cared for by the state, funded by a fair and just—and simple—system of taxes commensurate with income, wealth, and station; the sick and needy will be nurtured and made to care for themselves, if possible.

- Everyone reads Catch-22, and then writes a ten-page analytical paper, highlighting personal lessons learned.

- Crime and Punishment:
-- Condemned criminals will be used for medical experimentation.
-- Other criminals may earn special treatment or even mitigation of their sentences by volunteering for medical experiementation.
-- Convicts will clean up trash on th side of roadways, everywhere.
-- Convicts will sort all trash for recycling.
-- All convicts will work, and will be paid an honest, modest wage for their labor.
-- Only those convicts who have proven their worth by working well will earn the opportunity for rehabilitation, education, etc. Those who do not work will receive none of these privileges, and will be the most affected by the "punishment" aspect of prison life.
-- Convicted murderers sentenced to death—and there will be quite a few until people grasp the new and unflinching paradigm of the punishment fitting the crime--will be put to death in the exact same manner as that of their victims.
-- Convicts will work for their room and board, and for an acceptable wage, through extensive community service, cutting grass, picking up trash, area beautification, separation of recyclables in trash, etc. Again, no work, no food.
-- The term “hard labor” will return to the penal system, and it will be just that. I'm seeing a vision of Cool Hand Luke public sector labor, that kind of thing.

- Alternative fuels and power sources will be given very, very high government, technical, and scientific priority.

- The stupid shall be made to understand patience, contemplation, and the utility of asking yourself for some common sense.

- Those who act out of selfishness will be taught the true value of giving of oneself rather than taking from others.

- The scarlet letter will return, a blood-red tattoo right smack in the middle of the forehead. If you can’t stay true, don’t marry, or be honest and forthright enough to come clean and divorce your spouse properly and legally before you stray. Adultery will be punished for the criminal breach of contract that it is.

- The right to vote, and to participate with any real import in civic society will be earned; citizenship will be earned (read your Heinlein, specifically Starship Troopers) through a period of public service, in the military, fire/police, education, medicine, civil/social assistance, etc.

- Public service will earn a progressively increasing tax break. Those who serve as teachers, police officers, firemen, etc. will get a very simple to calculate break of 1% for every year of service: 5% off their taxes at 5 years, 10% at ten years of service, 20% at 20 years, right on up to as long as you can and are willing to serve. Similar calculations will be made for the military services and other types of local, state, and federal workers.

- People who abuse, neglect, or otherwise mistreat their own children first will be abused, neglected and mistreated in the exact same fashion. They then will permanently and irrevocably lose custody of their children and permanently lose all rights of a parent. Sterilization will follow in just about all cases. No one gets a second chance with the welfare and life of a child.

- Anyone who intentionally or through gross negligence injures a child will be looking at a sentence of at least 20 years.

- Those who profit from or subsist on the sorrow or pain of children will earn a death sentence.

- Everyone will be required to learn at least two foreign languages.

- OJ will be retried, and things will turn out differently. Same thing with MJ.

- Lying, swindling, thieving CEOs and corporate millionaires will be served very, very rough justice indeed, at the hands of those from whom they have stolen. Being reduce to, and having to live out your days as a destitute pauper will be appropriate and ironic punishment indeed.

- A single drunk driving conviction will earn an immediate five-year suspended license. A subsequent conviction will result in lifetime forfeiture of all driving privileges.

- All citizens will be required to learn how to use a firearm.

- The right of citizens to own firearms shall not be infringed. Now let’s clarify this: No one gets to own an assault rifle, those are for the military, police, and security forces. You may own as many firearms as you wish, that is, pistols, shotguns, and rifles. Everyone who owns a firearm will undergo rigorous background checking and a waiting period, and be required to have a license to own/use it, just like you have a license to operate a motor vehicle. This means firearms education and training for everyone who wishes to enjoy the right of gun ownership, which shall not be infringed. All firearms will be recorded by serial number in a federal database. Punishments for illegal gun ownership and crimes involving firearms will be very severe.

- The “homeless” will be properly referred to as “vagrant,” or the much more direct, “bum.” Those vagrants needing medical attention will be given it, whether they want it or not, to include detox. Those needing mental health attention will be given it, whether they want it or not, to include involuntary committal. Those who are able-bodied and are just too goddamn lazy to exercise the personal discipline to work for a living will face the simple choice of: no work, no food.

- Welfare will be an option for the indigent and disadvantaged, but the clock starts ticking immediately. You’ve got two years to make yourself self-sufficient, because that’s all you’re ever going to get.

- Extensive recycling laws will be enacted quickly, and enforced rigorously.

- Taxes will be higher. Not a lot higher, but will rise to pay for social programs and needed services. Taxes will be equitable and fair across all incomes and situations, with the rich paying a greater amount than the poor.

- Everyone will have health care, provided by the state. No one will go wanting for health care.

- The right of American citizens to the privacy and privileges of their own bodies will not be infringed by the government or any group.

- Marriage will be a right enjoyed by all members of society, every single person who chooses to take that fateful plunge.

- Possession with intent to distribute and trafficking in any illegal drug will be punishable by death; ask Singapore, they’re onto something here.

- Everyone will be computer-literate, and the state will provide hardware, software, connectivity, and training.

- Puritanical and hypocritical laws forbidding normal, healthy sexual activity between consenting adults will be abolished.

- Rugby will air on TV sports, a lot. And Gaelic football, and Irish hurling. Hockey will be out of luck.

- Lying, hypocritical politicians all will be out of a job.

- I will personally liquidate the assets and put out of business Firestone, permanently. The corporate officers will be jailed, for a good long time, and once they get out, a court order will direct that pre-1997 Firestone steel-belted radials go on their cars, always, for the rest of their lives. Let them ride on, and let them make the decisions on the relative worth of their families’ lives regarding the defective products they chose to continue to manufacture and sell to the public, even after being informed. Remember that deadly tire thing a few years back, boys? And the massive cover-up, denial, and reluctance to do right by your customers? Did you ever check on how your customers were treated in that mess? No, I didn’t think so.

- Environmental crimes will be punished by the complete liquidation of the corporate officers’ personal and their business’ assets to remedy the situation to exactly the same was it was before they ruined it.

- Every woman shall get her hair dyed blonde, black, brunette, and red at least once in her adult life, just to see how it looks, and to give the men in their lives a little bit of variation.

- The interference of religion in any form in the workings of government will be exposed and then prosecuted as the insidious and unconstitutional crime that it is.

- Radioactive and other highly toxic wastes will be removed from the planet by launching them on rockets into the sun. Let solar fusion do the work.

- Constructive, polite, reasoned criticism in all forms not only will be tolerated but accepted as such. Threats, insults, slander and libel will be prosecuted as the crimes they are.

- Lots of old TV shows will be back, like “Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp” and “The Banana Splits,” “Mannix,” “McCloud,” “McMillan and Wife,” etc.

- Winners of any lottery or other gambling prize over $10,000 will be required to donate a minimum of 20% of the after-tax winnings to a charity of their choice.

- Smoking will be banned, very quickly. Those who want to dip, despite the health warning, are more than welcome to do so; you don't poison the air we breathe with your addiction.

- Everyone must read at least 6 books a year.

- All citizens will be required to keep their properties, homes, and personal possessions in a respectable state of cleanliness and repair; failure to do so will result in forcible clean-up by relevant authorities, and possible forfeiture of that asset.

- Alaskan Amber ale will be available everywhere.

- Asshole drivers, when caught in the act, will have the option of an immediate roadside (as an example to others) flogging of 6 strokes with the baton, or losing their car for a year. I think there are multiple levels of deterrent value here.

- Government servant corruption of any sort will earn an immediate and mandatory 20-year sentence for each count, with no time off.

- There will be no protection or defense of incompetence or neglect in the workplace.