Do All Dogs Go To Heaven?

Hell no, of course not. Not all of them. Sure, my old retriever's up there, and the current one will be there too. But that non-bladder-controlled, psychotic black cocker spaniel we had when I was in high school, no way that nutso sonofabitch is up there. And my former neighbor's goddamn brown Chow that attacked my dog and then attacked me when I pulled my own dog off it so my retriever wouldn't rip its other ear off, there's no way that worthless piece of frizzy, overbred shit would be in heaven.

But what about the Taco Bell chihuahua? Or Lassie? I mean, damn, Lassie's got to be up there, right? She did so much good, saving Timmy from the burning barn/house/office/forest/railway shack so many times. Rin Tin Tin has got to be up there, too, and all of those mountain dogs that found and saved avalanche victims. And rescue dogs and service dogs, they've got to be up there.

But the two brutes that killed that lady in the apartment hallway in San Francisco a few years back? No way. All of the dogs that have attacked people, mauled children and the elderly, how could they be up in heaven? That just wouldn't be right.

Well, one would argue vicious dogs are simply being what they are, domesticated cousins of the wolf, and that every now and then that wolf blood comes back real powerful like, and it's time to be true to the canine canon, not paw and sniff and roll over and show your belly to get another lousy Milk Bone. So, if the "bad" dogs are just being themselves, what--ahem--Gawd made them to be, why can't they get into heaven? Or the dogs that bite because they are trained to, because their cruel owners have raised them to be fighters, to be mean? It's not their fault they are the way they are, so why can't they get after-worldly puppy absolution? And who decides this? God is all-powerful, after all, but I expect he might be a bit busy to administer to dogs as well. Maybe that's delegated a little further down in the heavenly line-and-block chart.

Or is heaven just for humans? Is it a human-exclusive environment? Me, I'd love to have my dogs up there with me, as they were very often the absolute best companions I ever had, with that perfect unconditional love, always so happy to see, always ready to play and snuggle and give up that undivided attention. Yeah, I'd like God to allow pets in heaven. But do I get a say in that? Is Heaven heavily covenanted? Do I have to sign the community standards agreement before I come in?

But would dogs in heaven be pets? Or would they be equals? Well, of course not, there's no way they could be equals, being not humans, after all. But can I/do I get to communicate with them other than the standard syrupy, "Good boy! What's that you got, good dog?" etc.? Can we talk to one another? Is that something we'd really want? I don't think I'd like my dog laying on the guilt trip for leaving her outside at home--fully fed and watered, mind you--while I took a three-day trip with the family. Or what about that time the kids accidentally hit you with the bat because you were too excited to get out of the way? Or complaining about your food? Are you still mad about that? And what in the holy hell would the dog say to the guy I knew in high school who masturbated as he had his puppy rim out his stinky ass (and why, I still wonder, would this guy actually tell me this!?)? I mean, that would be a very, very interesting conversation, albeit a bit awkward, especially for heaven.

If Poochy was injured, would she be all better in Heaven? Will that gimpy leg be all fixed up? Will the hind legs amputated after that unfortunate garbage truck incident be back and in full working order? Will the hip displasia be fixed? Will that wicked-rancid dogbreath from hell be sweet and minty-fresh? I'd think that would be the case; this is heaven, after all.

In the end, who gets to decide? Do I allow my pet to join me, or does God or the Celestial Keeper of the Afterlife Velvet Rope, with his golden clipboard and divine headset make a determination? Whose spirtual palm do I have to grease? And if I bring Poochy up to heaven with me, is it permanent, or do I get to send him away if I get bored? Playing fetch the ball for eterninty, after all, is a prospect that seems somewhat repetitive. And what if I need to take some time off, go to the Heavenly Riviera for a week or two--where does Poochy go? Is there a celestial kennel, or is Poochy good to go all by himself up there in heaven, wandering about and just letting it happen? Does he need someone to look after him? And will Heaven Animal Control come and pick him up? And if I don't claim him, will they euthanize him? Then where does he go?

Or do I get to wish it all into being? After all, it's me that's in heaven. And if I met the stringent, God-proclaimed screening criteria, then it's my heaven, right? If I'm up there, it's my own private paradise, full self-realization, self-actualization, completely unemcumbered by the bonds of mortality or physical being, right? If I want Poochy, all I have to do is think it, and it will be my heavenly reality, right? If it makes me happy, as my eternal reward for being a Good Boy down on Earth, isn't that what I get? Or does God or Divine Animal Control allow me only so much visiting time? Or are dogs even allowed in heaven? I wouldn't think there would be a going-to-the-potty problem, as that kind of excretus just wouldn't exist up in heaven. No more slings and arrows, no more mortal coil, no more pains the flesh is heir to, and no more doody either. And if God don't like dogs, then how can I be truly happy, which, if I understand the concept correctly, is kind of the point of Heaven.

Or is it that a want or need, however strong it may be, for reuniting with one's beloved pet, just isn't the kind of activity that one should be indulging in up there in Heaven? It's more singing praises, going through the initiation rituals to get wings, kissing God's feet and all of that, is it? Is there a higher purpose than petting a beloved dog?

Once again, just asking a few simple questions and pondering possible answers according to some very basic logic and flow, and accounting for the endless pronunciations of folks who are absolutely freeking sure about this stuff, and I am more in doubt and confused now than I was before I started this little exercise. I am no closer to any understanding of any of it, which of course calls into question the alleged vailidity of the claims of heaven in the first place.

I close by asking once again: God, if you're up there, I've got a lot of questions, big and small. I'd like to know what the real deal is. Please pay me a visit and let's talk about this stuff.

I'm not holding my breath.