To Touch Greatness?

I'd love to get to know a few notables/celebrities, the few that I actually respect and enjoy. Folks like Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, Harry Shearer, Jason Statham, Woddy Harrelson, Jennifer Tilly, Sigourney Weaver, Jill St. John, Jamie Lee Curtis, Peter O'Toole, Stephen Hawking, Nelson Mandela, Jimmy Carter, Lance Armstrong, the Monty Python guys, and a few others. In the old game of "who'd you like to have dinner with?" these are the folks that are at the top, at least the ones who are alive.

Of course, how do I even begin to form this list? It's formed exclusively by what the media tells me of these people. That's all I know. Any one of these folks could be an absolute raging ass, a fool, an ignorant dope, a drunk, an addict, a psychopathic tyrant, or just plain boring. There's no way I'd ever know this, unless I got seriously into any of these folks, got obsessive, took the stalker path and got weird. So, all I know is what the papers and TV feeds me, that's how I form my impression of these folks, from the work that I've seen and enjoy and respect, and from what the press tells me of their private lives. I could be wrong about a number of these folks, or I could be exactly on the money. They could be great guys and gals, or they could be Grade A shits; I'd never know. No, more correctly, I'll never know.

But say I'm actually given this chance, a win in a radio contest, a chance meeting in an elevator? Then it comes down to: what exactly are you going to say? What unique thing are you going to communicate that they haven't ever heard before? Are you going to look down, scuff your shoe, and mumble, "Uh, I really think you're talented and great, and I really enjoy your work?" Is that what you're going to say? As true as it might be, that's what you're going to offer? You may be sincere and honest, but that's not a very good intro. it doesn't stand out, and they've heard it a zillion times before.

The flip side again would be the nutso stalker approach, the detailed question about a role or a project, or about amazingly minute details of their personal lives that you've gleaned from your obsessive searching and digging on them. Or the nutbar gift of a hand-made sculpture of them as a Greek god/goddess, made out of hardened toothpaste. Or some othe well-meaning and truly heartflet gift (but heartfelt only for you, since you are a complete and total stranger, after all). Yeah, that's just the kind of thing that will endear your favorite celebrity to you immediately, freaky obsession.

And given all of this, assuming opportunity and access, and just the amount of time it might take to actually engage and converse with this person, what would be the basis for a relationship? Do you really want to be best friends wit Robert DeNiro? Do any of these people know you're alive? I can guarantee that Christopher Walken has no idea that I even exist, and I'm okay with that. What I do for a living is different than what he does, and the world keeps turning.

There is no connection at all to any of these folks that could possibly lead to any kind of relationship. Yeah, it'd be pretty sweet to hang out with Warren and Annette, and go along with them when they hop on the private jet for Corfu. That would be fun and interesting, a perspective on life I've never had. But is that going to happen? Of course not. I'm a stranger, and there's no way I could get inside that circle. Maybe if I saved a child from an elephant stampede or some such, then there would be a mutually shared experience which could serve as a basis for an ongoing relationship. But how likely is that to happen? Again, very, very unlikely.

The tough part about this for most folks is that celebrities don't even know you're alive, let alone care. That kind of abject anonymity is pretty tough for most folks to realize and accept, let alone admit.

Why would I crowd in and try to get my picture taken with the President? First, the guy is a Grade A ass, so I've got no intention of being permanently featured in a photo with him as if we were buddies. Second, what's the photo going to convey, that for all of ten seconds on a certain date and certain time, our lives intersected tangentially? There is no intimacy, no closeness, no backstory about shared adventure or experience, just the "Yeah, I was at this rally, and I got to shake his hand." Uh-huh, and who the fuck really cares about that? He didn't know your name before the photo, and I guarantee he doesn't know it now.

Every day, the President and Chris Walken and Warren Beatty and every other person of note you can think of have to drop their trousers and sit on that porcelain throne to squeeze out a dookie. Think about the raw humanity of the luscious Jessica Simpson as she shaves her legs, brushes her teeth, takes her morning and/or evening dump. Yeah, we're all the same, and most of us are complete and total strangers. Celebrity is manufactured and maintained as a hollow social construct, and it really has no meaning to me. My brief interactions in life with Jimmy Carter and his family, with Leonard Nimoy, with Joe Garagiola, with Stallone and Schwarzenegger, with a few other pseudo-celebrities has shown them to be total strangers. And I've been a stranger to them, and that's the way they want it.

So, the reality of it all is that your circle of friends and families is the most meaningful set of relationships you have. You've got family, friends, and professional contacts, and that's about it. That's your most important group, and that's where you should be concentrating your attention.

Forget fame and celebrity. It's hollow and false, a large and colorful backdrop with nothing behind it.