Maudlin Dog Drama Trumps Real Life

LOS ANGELES--Ellen DeGeneres' talk show was put on hold for a day because of her emotionally wrenching dog-adoption drama. "It's been a long week and a hard week and we decided to take a long weekend and be back on Tuesday," said Laura Mandel, a spokeswoman for the company which produces "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." DeGeneres was scheduled Thursday to tape shows to air Friday and Monday. Instead, the tapings were canceled and reruns featuring Star Blah and Hollywood Flack Bleh-Bleh will air on those days. A newly taped is planned Tuesday.

Thank Bog there's going to be some new shows. How could I face an entire week without some new Ellen material? I had already gotten out the toaster and set it next to the rapidly filling bathtub when I got the happy news. Now I don't have to run away from it all.

The battle over Iggy, a Brussels Griffon terrier mix, pitted DeGeneres against an animal rescue agency and, at one point, had her in tears on her show. The agency's owners complained of receiving death threats over the dispute.

Yeah, I'll believe that. There are more than enough self-absored folks who would phone in a threat of violence over the petty details of a B-list TV hack, more than enough sad and pathetic schlubs who have no idea how to live their own lives, so choose to live the life of the celebrity they'd most like to be.

DeGeneres adopted the dog, then gave it to her hairstylist's family after the dog, despite training, couldn't get along with the comedian's cats, her publicist has said. Marina Batkis and Vanessa Chekroun, owners of the nonprofit Mutts and Moms agency, claimed that DeGeneres violated the adoption agreement by not informing them that she was giving the dog away and removed Iggy from the hairstylist's home Sunday.

That sounds pretty clear-cut. Did Ellen sign a form? If she did, and those words were on the form, then the dog folks were fully within their rights to seize the animal. You have to read the contracts you sign, people. That's why there are millions of folks whining about "losing their homes," blaming others on the fact that you were too lazy to read a binding legal contract upon which you put your signature.

DeGeneres pleaded for Iggy's return to the hairstylist on Tuesday's show. She said her hairdresser's daughters, ages 11 and 12, were heartbroken when the dog was taken away. But Mutts and Moms' owners were adamant about their decision, and a spokesman for Batkis said she wouldn't be "bullied around by the Ellen DeGenereses of the world."

Good on ya, dog people. Stick it to the self-righteous celebs who think that because they get everything they want on the set and within their social and professional circles, that they can act exactly the same out here in the Real World with people like us. Stand your ground, dog people.

At a taping of the show Wednesday, DeGeneres told the audience she wouldn't talk about the matter again unless Iggy was returned to her hairdresser.

Right, and then she could just yap her self-righteous ass off, telling everyone how she had won, how she had prevailed, how she had, by the force of her will and determination and using every ounce of her blingind star-power, had made it all better for the Dresser of the Hair, and for the doe-eyed innocents of the Dresser of the Hair.

How clever of Ellen to make that statement. She looks strong, but I see it as a concession of weakness. She did all of the bullshit emotional stuff, playing to the audience, playing to the camera, using every shallow emotional tool she could get her hands on, and of course, the death threats from the vapid fans that were generated by the maudlin emotional appeal. And gosh, none of that worked. The Dog People amazingly stood their ground.

So now what, Ellen? Seems to me from what's presented here that you did sign a contract, and your crack legal team has now pointed that out to you and told you that the only way the Dresser of the Hair et al. get their doggie back--which you abandoned after it just didn't fit well in your realm--is if the Dog People find it in their hearts to make it happen. That's a loss, Ellen, no two ways about it.

And your statement very cleverly kind-of restores you to moral authority, stating implicitly that you'll take the high ground and not discuss it any further until the hairdresser gets the dog. Well, that pretty much means that you don't have to debase yourself anymore in a cause that you lost, and that you would apparently continue to lose. You've promised to revisit the issue, but only if you win. How's that for the honest moral stand, for boldly standing up for what you believe in, saying that you'll only address the crisis again if it's on your terms and if you've succeeded? Looks to me like you haven't learned a thing at all.