My Plans for Evil Overlord

If I ever become an evil overlord:

My legions of terror, will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not dark ones. I want their victims to see them and know who they are.

The ventilation ducts in my evil lair will be far too small to crawl through. I know there is an issue with airflow, but I'll upgrade my air exchangers to compensate.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be executed immediately, in my presence, not kept anonymously imprisoned in my dungeon.

Shooting will not be too good for my enemies. I won't charge their families for the bullets, though; we'll take that expense on.

The ancient artifact which will be my source f power will not be kept on the Mountain of Destiny across the River of Fire and guarded by the Legions of Eternity; it will be in my vault, to which only I know the combination.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them--except for my ex-wife.

When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one in the ultimate battle and asks, "Or are you afraid to fight without your armies to back you up?" I'll reply, "No, I'm just being sensible."

When I've captured my nemesis and he says, "Before you kill me, won't you tell me what all of this is about?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him.

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a private civil ceremony, and not in three days' time in an overly lavish spectacle which will allow my enemies time to plan.

I probably won't have a self-destruct mechanism, but if I do the activation button will be labeled "Danger: Do Not Push," and I'll have a special, lockable cover over the top of it.

I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me; I'll slay the little pecker myself.

I will not interrogate my enemies in my inner sanctum, or anywhere in redoubt at all; an abandoned water treatment plant on the edge of town will do the trick just fine.

I'll be confident in my superiority, obviating the need to leave oh so clever clues or riddles about my plans, or allowing weaker enemies to survive.

I will not make the effort of leaving my enemies' deaths to appear accidental; I want everyone to know what happens if you oppose me.

I'll make it clear that I do in fact know the meaning of the word "mercy;" I just choose not to demonstrate it on a regular basis.

One of my advisors will be a smart-assed seventh grader; any flaws in any plan that he is able to spot will be corrected immediately.

All slain enemies, will be cremated, and NEVER left for dead. We will tidy and thorough.

My undercover agents will not have distinctive tattoos or other creepy body modifications identifying them as my employees. They will blend in, just like they're supposed to.

The supposed hero will not get a last kiss, cigarette, last words, etc.

I will never employ any device that has a digital or spoken countdown. If I absolutely have to have one, it will activate at 27 seconds, just as the hero gets into his final actions.

Any mad scientist who works for me will be truly mad, and he'll monitored so that he never seeks to undo the damage he's done.

If I choose to employ advisors, I will listen to their counsel. I won't always follow it, but it'll be nice t have some additional points of view.