Ignorant America

What is Ignorant America (IA)?

IA is what will put and end to the world domination of the United States of America. IA is the creeping ignorance and mediocrity and lack of initiative that is pulling us down, rapidly. IA is the lack of knowledge, and the apathy about acquiring more. IA is being happy with a double-wide or a shitty condo, with the trampoline out back and a PT Cruiser in the driveway. IA is accepting the mediocre and the bland, and not demanding the new, different, and interesting. IA is the lack of drive and ambition that is putting us farther and farther down on the list of educated countries, leaders in industry and economics and wealth. Ignorant America is the rot on the inside that will doom us all, in just a mere decades to come.

Here's a stellar example of IA on the hoof: I took a trip with my delightful wife last July to St. Lucia. First hint: this is an independent, sovereign nation. Got it's freedom and everything, although not too long ago. Still finding their way and all of that. But still, as said so well in The Falcon and the Snowman, this is not America. We land, and the wife and I already have our passports out and ready. The IA couple in front of us, all of about 25, him with the dumbass tattoos on both shoulders in a faded, beachy wife-beater and her with her $100 French nails and enough make-up to paint the lines on an NFL field, can't figure out why the "cute little black folks" (their words) want to see their identification and passports. No clue whatsoever that they'd left their own nation and landed in another. No sense of what it means to go abroad, even if it is the Caribbean.

All of five days later, we're on a touristy island shopping trip, and Jersey Couple is along for the ride. He's wearing his prized West Orange Dickheads (or whatever) softball jersey, along with his gold chains, his backwards baseball cap, his cutoffs, his gold rings, and his attitude. His lovely, lovely bride, in her 4" heeled slingback pumps, too-tight capris and again with the French manicure and a horrific amount of makeup holding up the 7 pounds of hair spray, has a Louis Vuitton handbag big enough to hold a microwave inside. He's looking for some places to get some local rum; she wants to find some "local color artwork." They're nothing but overly audible remarks and comments about everythign they see out the window of the van, clearly never before outside of the country, let alone outside of New Jersey. Absolutely moronic comments about the "horrible poverty," the St. Lucians' "shitty housing," their "beater cars," their "beater buses," their "shitty roads," their (use your favorite Jersey accent) "obviously inadequate social structure." All of this clearly audible to both the driver and our guide. Yeah there, Angie and Angelo, you're just the ones to make crucial observations on St. Lucia's economic and infrastructure status. Remember the hurricane a few years back? Remember that it went right over the top of the island, and destroyed something like 80% of the structures there? Remember reading that in the news? No? Yeah, that figures.

So we stop, and Angelo just strides up to the local handicrafts vendor, opening his wallet like some kind of Walking Tall bigshot, and announces, "So, whattaya folks use for money around here," as he lifts a wad of US twenties out of his wallet. Moron.

We put up with this crap all day, with these stellar representatives of American society and culture. No wonder there are people out there who want to see America fail, and who take active roles in getting us there.

So you've been convinced, you've seen the light. You ask, "How can I, an Ignorant American, remedy my situation?" Well, friend, there's an easy way. Here are a few suggestions:
Read a book, fiction or non-fiction. You pick the subject, the length, the format. If you read one, then choose another. You may just develop a habit. You might find there are some subjects and authors you enjoy more than others. Great, pursue those, and those that are alike. You'll find that your vocabulary increases, that you learn things you didn't know before, that you actually think a little bit more. Your mind works out, you are alert, you become inquisitive, you start to look forward to reading somethign new.

Okay, a book isn't quite you yet, but there's nothing wrong with a magazine.

Ignorant America reads the Weekly World News, the New York Post, the National Enquirer, and all of the similar vacuous crap.

IA keeps reality TV in the black.

IA thinks Stuckey's and the IHOP are great places to eat.

IA thinks the taquito is a culinary breakthrough.

IA has at least one faux Indian dream catcher hanging from their rearview mirror.

IA knows all about Sega, X Box, GameBoy, Playstation yaddd yadda yadda.

IA leads the way in adult-onset diabetes.

IA thinks it's EXTREME!

IA keeps professional wrestling in business.

IA pays $160 for a manicure and French nails, and doesn't have enough money for school supplies for the kids.

IA has a wallet so stuffed with crap that it won't close.

IA thinks that People magazine and Access Hollywood are news sources.

IA buys Paris Hilton perfume and accessories.

IA dresses like J Lo.

IA thinks the world and the govt and society at large owe them something.

IA doesn't think it should have to pay taxes.

IA puts its dumbass 9/11 stickers right next to its anti-abortion and GW Bush stickers, but won't volunteer for service in the military, police, fire department, teaching, EMS.

IA peppers its speech with oxymoronic references to God and Jesus.

IA thinks that having a cell phone glued to your ear means you're important, that you're somebody. And that having a little ridiculous headpiece means you're even more crucial.

IA thinks Chrysler-Plymouth products are the pinnacle of American engineering.

IA has no idea what's going on around them.

IA is afraid to go abroad.

IA is lied to by Bill Clinton, and shrugs its shoulders because the economy is just gunning along and everyone is getting a new cellphone or PDA.

IA leaves the turn signal on, and doesn't notice it at all.

IA thinks Vegas or Disney World is the be-all-end-all vacation.

Ignorant America is homophobic.

IA is not observant, and couldn't make anything of their observations even if they were.

Ignorant America spends its discretionary income on beer and cigarettes rather than college or even trade school tuition.

Ignorant American thinks Chrysler is putting out quality merchandise.

IA goes on vacation and only once they get home do they report their missing child, report the commission of a crime against themselves or someone they know, file an insurance claim, that kind of thing.

IA is not interested in learning any words or phrases of a foreign language.

IA can't find its own goddamn home state on a map.

IA spends more each week on lottery tickets than it does on books.

IA is happy to think all its learnin' days were left behind once high school ended.

IA can't read or perform to grade level, but still opposes any tax increases that would fund the schools' attempts to educate their TV-gawping kids.

IA thinks George Bush is a good leader because he insulated himself from all disagreeable contact and ignores any advice that contradicts with his own.

IA believes what it's told because they're too goddamn lazy and dumb to read about it, to learn about it themselves.

IA listens to what the radio tells it to listen to.

IA makes Everybody Loves Raymond a beloved icon of American communications heritage.

IA has no true concept of vehicular right of way.

IA puts Lance Armstrong and Oprah on the list of the 100 greatest Americans, but not Robert Fulton, Robert Oppenheimer, Frank Lloyd Wright, or even Woodrow Wilson.

Ignorant America pays $800 for spinners on their 1993 Chrysler minivan, with the long-oxidized paint flaking off to reveal the canary yellow plastic bumper beneath.

IA knows all of the names of the Power Puff Girls, and sets their Tivo for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

IA cares what a celebrity names their baby.

IA thinks doesn't even notice when CSI shows a knife or a bullet penetrating a body in horrificly graphic detail, and in slow motion no less, but screams like pig-stuck over two human beings expressing their love and devotion for one another in a physical manner, without clothing.

IA wears spandex pants, even when morbidly obese.

IA comes bounding into the elevator or onto the bus without even thinking of letting the passengers inside out or off.

IA makes and keeps Paris Hilton a star.

IA is having Hot Pockets and Pizza Rolls for dinner.

IA is not being able to name a famous American architect.

IA is TV-centric.

IA thinks they'll win when they go to Vegas or Atlantic City.

IA speeds down residential streets.

IA puts glasspacks on their 1997 Honda Accord sedan.

IA thinks Steppenwolf is just the name of a band.

IA knows all the words to the latest Budweiser commercials.

IA watches the Super Bowl just for the commercials.

IA can't name their nearest national park.

IA have never been more than two states away, and are afraid to go that far.

IA doesn't know a word of a foreign language, other than the plot twist words in Spanish on "Dangerous Housewives," and thinks they're worldly when they use one of the words in public.

IA has never been to a Morroccan or Indonesian or Afghan restaurant.

IA thinks La Choy is good Chinese eats.

IA thinks shells n' cheez is a real step up the social ladder (thank you, Onion).

IA doesn't know that The Onion is a joke.

IA is just now finding out about Moby.

IA doesn't seek out advice, and doesn't listen to it even when it arrives unbidden.

IA has no idea that chocolate will kill their dog.

IA smokes in bed.

IA sues McDonald's over spilling hot coffee on themselves. IA decides to punish McDonald's for the carelessness of a coffee-drinking moron. (and I don't even like McDonald's, not one bit)

IA sues gun makers for gun murders, and wins with an IA jury.

IA sues cigarette makers for their cancer instead of blaming their years of self-destructive behavior.

IA doesn't care when Bill Clinton looks them right in the eye and lies to their face, then admits it and refuses to do the right and honorable thing by resigning to save his own reputation and that of his elected office. IA doesn't think it's a big deal.

IA thinks George W. Bush is just a good ol' boy.

IA is on the cell phone, having an animated conversation at 5:20 in the a.m., standing at the bus stop.

IA has the cell phone glued to its head in tight, tense, angry rush-hour traffic.

IA trades in perfectly good equipment because something new and more shiny is being offered.

IA shuns public broadcasting, but hasn't seen or heard any of it since they left Sesame Street behind.

IA men wear gold chains, and have highlights in their hair.

IA has tattoos of roses growing within barbed wire.

IA has a Skoal ring in a back pocket.

IA doesn't feel the need to follow instructions.

IA thinks it knows better than everyone else.