Irrational Celebrity Commentary

My take on the bling-bling fixation of so many hiphop celebrities is deep, deep self-doubt and insecurity, necessitating the gawdy display in order to prop up a public personal they know themselves to be completely hollow bullshit. The bigger and flashier the bling, the more that person lies awake at night, scared to death the public is going to find out he's a fraud.

Hilary Duff striked me as just plain bland, nothing exciting there. At least Britney Spears has got those big brown cow eyes and some serious hips working in her favor. Lindsay Lohan? Now that's a grotesquely needy, singlemindedly focused diva-bitch emerging there. Don't get in her way, that much is obvious.

Daniel Day Lewis: absolutely brilliant, but obviously so intense and into his craft as a no-shit serious artiste that having any kind of casual conversation with him would, I think, be pretty much out of the question. I think he was fantastic in Gangs of New York. What a great character, the best one in the film, and clearly the most fun to portray.

Loved Doogie Howser in Undercover Brother.

Love that Penn & Teller Bullshit show. Straight talk, and funny too. If Penn Gillette ran for public office, I'd vote for him.

I don't understand how/why celebrities come down on DWI/DUI charges. Given that most of their equivalent hourly wages average tens of thousands of dollars an hour, why can't they just spring for a cab? Or a limo?

So very, very many frighteningly thin female celebrities these days. I guess they're fashionable, although they just plain don't look healthy. It makes their fake breasts look even more grotesque and out of place.

Speaking of breasts, absolutely loved Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places. And Halle Berry in Swordfish. Very, very nice, thank you.

I see that overly thin, sneering smile of Paris Hilton that I'm guessing is supposed to convey some kind of sexiness, and the word that always pops instantly into my head is, "Skank."

Jennifer Anniston is stunningly attractive, but let's remember that the most important thing she's ever done with her life is play in a long-running ensemble TV sitcom.

I absolutely loved Milla Jovovich in The Fifth Element. I thought her acting was stellar, just fantastic. And I'm disappointed to see her relegated to crap like Resident Evil.

I find Angelina Jolie to be not nearly as attractive as everyone says. She looks harsh, angular, sharp and pointy. She doesn't look soft, curvy, smooth, but maybe that's the point. I'm not talking some kind of old-timey zaftig pinup ideal of female celebrity, but she's just way too far on the opposite side of the spectrum.

I'd love to have dinner with Michael McKean, Christopher Guest, and Harry Shearer. I wouldn't talk, just sit and listen. And almost certainly laugh my ass off.

I met Pat Metheny once at an autograph session at the GWU Tower Records in DC. Man, does that guy have some out-of-control hair. All I could think of was how much work it must take to keep it that way, since if it were truly out-of-control, then it long ago would have coalesced into dreads. Hair or not, that dude can play some music.

An awful lot of Will Farrell's characters are just variations on the same core character. Sure, I know that, but I still think he's hilarious. Same thing with Ben Stiller.

Best Bond babe of all time? Jill St. John as Tiffany Case, without a doubt. Runner up: Diana Rigg as Tracy Draco.

I just can't take Denise Richards seriously. I did enjoy her performance in Undercover Brother, however, a role that fit her perfectly.

I think it's become clear in the past year that the psychotic, abusive, self-loathing nutbar that Tom Sizemore played so well in Natural Born Killers is pretty much who he really is . . . and now he's blaming it all on priapism. Yeah, sure.

I just wasted an hour of my life taking in the Saturday Night Live episode with Paris Hilton in it, and I'm happy to note not the slightest shred of talent there. And apparently the SNL writing staff is in the toilet as well, given that Barbie sketch.

I thought Jamie Lee Curtis was a whitebread cardboard cutout in the first Halloween film. But then came Trading Places and Perfect, and I've been a fan ever since.

I loved Nicole Kidman in To Die For, but despised her in just about everything since, especially in Eyes Wide Shut. That, and she's got to weigh a good 25 lbs less now than she did then. And it's not attractive.

Gotta respect Dave Chappelle for walking away from a good $30 million or more in contract and endorsements for the next season of the Chappelle Show. Or just going off the deep end and not being able to handle it all.

I wonder if Howie Long dresses himself or has someone do it for him. The man can wear a suit, that's for sure.

Is it me, or does James Caan look more and more menacing as he gets older?

Speaking of old, if William Shatner--whom I genuinely enjoy and admire--has any more facial surgery, the guy is going to go Japanese.

I once met the old and classic and venerable Joe Garagiola at the airport in St. Louis. And he was probably one of the most rude and arrogant sonsofbitches that I've ever met in my life. Good riddance to ya, ya prick.

On the contrary, I was at a school event this past spring, and Brian Mitchell of the Washington Redskins was there. He signed every autograph and took every photo asked of him, of every single kid. Stand-up guy, and at least for that evening, a true role model. Good on ya.

Ever read about Dan Aykroyd's personal beliefs? Man, that guy is Out There.

Speaking of personal beliefs, I have to wonder what Mel Gibson is going to cram down our throats next. Or John Travolta, although the returns on Battlefield Earth should have made this pretty clear to him.

I was an extra in Escape From New York. Shot in a ratty part of downtown St. Louis, way back when, when I was in high school. Keep your eye on the sewer denizens rising through the manhole in the scene where Kurt Russell finds the presidential escape pod.

I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show at least 50 times in the theater, and dozens more on video. Watched it on cable last night, and found myself again wishing for the days when I could dress up like Eddie and head down to the midnight movie and just cut loose.

TV reruns of The Blues Brothers just plain suck--the film is not the same without the swearing. Same thing for Animal House.