Justice Harriet, The Perfect Choice

Why perfect? Well, first off, it's her name. How perfect is it for a Supreme Court Justice to be Harriet? That's an exact fit, up there with Elihu and Boniface and Spaulding and Jonathan. Nice and old and established and anachronistic, in keeping with the best attributes of the institution itself.

But that's not most important. What is most important, what makes Miers the perfect choice for a female Supreme Court Justice is that painted-on look, dead-aunt-in-the-casket-at-the-funeral-home look she's got going on so well. She makes Ginsberg look like flipping Charlotte Rampling, naturally, but that Egyptian eye liner thing she's got going, along with that stodgy jewelry and frighteningly red lipstick make her look like some kind of 50-something drag queen, your favorite uncle Earl who just came out as a woman after his wife Miriam died a sudden death.

Miers is just right for the job because she's got just about no sexually attractive attributes. Just look at O'Conoor and Ginsberg and Janet Reno for your examples--not just unattractive, but downright scary, the chew-your-leg-off kind of scary. Brilliant legal and jurisprudential minds, sure, they've got me distanced by miles, but to ask one of them out for drinks, even in one's deepest MILF fantasy, that's just out of the question.