Wretched Jack FM

How do I describe my depth of loathing for Jack FM? How do I take any stronger action than NEVER tuning in to this cynical crap? I mean, even if I'm surfing the dial for something good and a song comes on Jack FM that I absolutely love, like The Clash's "Train In Vain" or Redbone's classic "Come and Get Your Love," I'll tune away from the station. I loathe and despise goddamn Jack FM that much, you worthless corporate scumbags.

It's finally reached the point where I have to make a public statement about this garbage this morning on the drive in. As the radio scanned in 7-second intervals due to the fact that all of the NPR stations are doing their semi-annual fund drives, it paused on goddamn Jack FM. In those seven seconds, I heard that smirking, smarmy announcer they use tout the Jack FM web site. Great, thought I, a computer interface for a station run by a computer--perfect. The jerkoff announcer concluded his bit with something like, "You can go to the Jack FM web site, or just sit there and look stupid," and that was the end of the bit; the radio skipped on up the dial.

So this is how they promote their station and its ancillary services, by directly telling the listeners that they consider us to book, and therefore are stupid? What demographic data, supplied by what ad company, has come together to advise them that calling their listeners stupid is a good marketing ploy?

Naturally, the entire attitude of Jack FM has been "We just don't care. We do/play whatever we want." Yeah, that's a load of crap from the get-go. The not-caring part is spot-on, given the fact that hundreds of station personnel across the country have lost their jobs because of the fully automated format. The format is a freeking computer playlist, set on random. So yeah, I fully buy the fact that they don't care. Human resource expenses are way, way down, IT/ADP costs might be up a bit but as the format works itself out they'll moderate, so margins are likely up. So what is there to care about, other than the music?

The music, ah, the music. That's what commercial (music) radio is mainly about, of course. Top 40, pop, M.O.R., all of that market-oriented crap. I heard another Jack FM spot a few weeks back that was about requests. Naturally, if the computer is playing the songs, who are you going to call to make a request, the IT guy? No, sorry. The jerkoff Jack FM announcer said something like, "Requests? Why would we take requests on Jack FM, since what we do here is PLAY ONLY WHAT WE WANT!"

The attitude is pathetic. It's operating on a number of levels here. The first one is domineering and paternalistic. It's about Jack FM knowing more about music than me, about knowing more about what I want to hear than I do myself. Yeah, that's a good way to earn my loyalty, by talking down to me, by denigrating my musical knowledge and preferences.

The other aspect of this attitude is about exclusivity. This is like the Cool Guy back in high school, the one who hated everything, and if you wanted to be a cool outsider then you had to be just like him. The only way into the undefined yet commonly known circle was to adopt whatever the hell his outlook was. Same thing going on here. The poser-outsider Jack FM--playing all the Top 40 and pop they can muster, the absolute ultimate in non-outsider musical selection--pitches the faux hard attitude that they do whatever they want, critics and parents and your friends be damend, and if I want to be cool like Jack, then I'll just shut up and go along with what they determine is right for me.

Again, how does this endear me, the smarter-than-the-average-bear listener? This approach, naturally, is perfect for the core of Ignorant America, which prefers the easy road of being told what to do and like and buy and think rather than make the slightest effort to develop an independent, informed, educated and personal opinion. Jack FM will do the work for you, by telling you what to listen to, and by definition that it's good, and everything will be just fine.

The good news in all of this is that the same technology that allows Jack FM to fire the on-air staff and let the entire format run on computer allows me to set up my very own radio station for me and me alone. I have an ever-growing personal song list on my home PC, and one at work, too. I've got about 1200 CDs loaded, and from them have pulled about 4000 songs that I don't get tired of listening to. The playlist is entitled "Scrumpox FM," and that's what I listen to at work, at home, and soon enough in the car. My new car will have an AUX IN jack for a media player, and the days of being subjected to the endless garbage of commercial radio will be over. I'll my own music in the car, and will get XM sat radio installed soon enough. The same thing that makes Jack FM what it is will give me the freedom to completely walk away from its ilk and never come back.

So wither and die, Jack FM. That's the least you deserve. I'm not the ignorant, stupid listener you think I am, that your demographers and statisticians have assured you that I am. I am not the stupid-looking listener you've called me in your misguided spots; and for that I'll never listen. And, I'll happily encourage everyone else to abandon you and your cynical crap.