Are There Wheelchairs in Heaven?

I heard this question asked in an interesting and blindingly obvious commentary on NPR this morning (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5042181). In short, the narrator, a lifelong quadriplegic, was dismayed by the comments he heard over the death of an "acquired" quadriplegic friend's death. It was all about the hollow, typical, "He's gone to a better place," and, "He's released from his pain," but also included, "He's got his legs back," and, "He's running around in heaven now." The narrator was dismayed at how so many folks saw his friend's--and therefore his own--disability as a horrible curse from which death is welcome door to freedom. He asked his wheelchair question, and answered it himself with something like, "In heaven, it won't matter whether you've got legs/can walk or not."

I agree with that, but his simple question and similarly simple answer has got me once again thinking about What Lies Beyond.

The short and easy answer, as provided by most religions is, "Of course there aren't wheelchairs in heaven." And why exactly is that, eh? Well, Billy, all infirmities and pains and imperfections will be cosmically, divinely wiped away in the Great Beyond. Everyone will be perfect, absolutely perfect, in every possible way. In heaven there will be--there are--no walkers, eye patches, crutches, braces, casts, prosthetics, glass eyes, skin grafts, dentures, or transplanted organs. There will be no ongoing medication, oxygen bottles, or dialysis. There will be no scars, no blemishes, no imperfections at all. No warts. Maybe no freckles, although there are more than enough folks who think freckles are the epitome of cute, pure, wholesome, and downright wunnerful.

Severed limbs will return, although I'd have to wonder where'd they'd been all along. Surgically removed tissues, like an appendix or gall bladder certainly would come back, right? I mean, we were all designed intelligently, at least that's what the ridiculously shrill morons say, so there had to be a purpose for those extraneous organs, right? If you lost an eye in the war, then it'll be back, for sure. But what about that malignant growth that you had taken out in college? Does it come back and get stuck back on you? I would guess that it's not malignant anymore, but do you have a choice about taking it back? What about the scabs you picked, the warts you had removed, the fingernails and toenails you endlessly clipped off, the hair and dandruff and skin you shed and sloughed off? Does that all come back? Where does it all go?

There will be no breast augmentation, and logic then dictates that all effects of breast reduction also will be reversed. Sorry, Queen Latifah.

But what if I like my scars, my badges of honor from sports, or fights (the righteous kind, naturally)? What if I want to keep my scar to remind me of something particularly important in my life? If I'm dead and in heaven, what do I need to be reminded of life anyway? What if I think that my wife's freckles are the single greatest thing about her, the reason that I fell in love with her from the very beginning?

What if I like that big mole right below my right ear? It's not some massive, hair-sprouting monstrosity, but it's part of me, or at least was while I was on The Planet Below. We spent an entire life together, so I think I'd like to keep it, if anything as a reminder of my time as a mortal, of the earthly existence that I suffered through. But do I get to keep it, or is there some kind of approving authority, a cosmic and divinely appointed Greater Heaven community standards board of handicaps and other unpleasant features that's going to judge my imperfections and then wipe them away? Or does God do that? Wouldn't he want to delegate something like that to a board of learned and experienced saints? Do I get a fair hearing in a public forum, or is this all decided and enacted without any input from the one who is affected? Do I have a say, and do I have representation? Who can I talk to in heaven who can get me a good advocate before the board? Who could point me to the celestial bar association, and what kind of rates do they charge for representation before the Wart Board?

I love my tattoo, too, but do I get to keep it? The right would say: of course not; a tattoo is graffiti on the most sacred of canvas. God gave you the skin, so now he's taking it back, and returning it to its original state, in my case all pallid, white-pink, boring and caucasian. The left would argue: of course you get to keep your tattoo, since it's a symbol of your individuality and personal creativity. Me, I love my tattoo, three simple letters over my heart representing my wife and two kids. I love it being there, love to see it in the mirror, love to know it's there, and even love the memory of the pain I went through to have it put there permanently, at least for the time I'm allotted here on the Big Blue Marble. Given the choice, I'd like to retain it.

If there are no imperfections or the like up there in heaven, does everyone have perfect teeth? I'd assume so. It'll be blinding, Jessica-Simpson-white teeth, lined up in absolute precision. No dentures. So do we have to keep treating them, or are they permanently white?

Does everyone have perfect hair? No bed head or cowlicks or a bad part? What about cheap braids, and are beads and puka shells allowed? Do you always have a perfect haircut, and is it permanent, or do you have to keep getting your hair cut up in heaven? Where are the Vietnamese barbers in heaven, do you get a shoulder massage, and how much do you tip? What if you've always wanted a bristly flat-top, a wicked mullet, or to poof your hair out like a dumbass Vanilla Ice--will the haircut sub-committee of the community board of saints come down on you for an affront to the good taste and community sanctity of what is acceptable heaven-hair? What if that's you, and you actually enjoy looking that way? What if your default, inherent, God-decreed hair is a 1954 pompadour? In heaven, aren't all things great, so your own personal happiness is paramount? That means I get to keep my Flock of Seagulls special, right? But if everyone hates it, don't I have to get rid of it?

If everyone has perfect hair and teeth, do they have perfect bone structure, and muscular structure to match? Do they have supermodel cheekbones, ultra-ripped male abs and pecs? Are all of the women's butts and breasts perky and upthrust? I think I'd like that, I guess.

Is there stuttering in heaven? Probably not, I would guess. Everyone will enunciate and orate like a young James K. Polk, Napoleon of the Stump.

And what about height and weight? Of course, the overweight on Earth just pine the day away longing for death so they can finally be fit and trim (embalming will do that to ya). The sickly and thin can't wait to become full-bodied in heaven. Everyone will have the optimum body mass index of right around 19 or 20 (but of course, that won't be the right number for many folks). The marathoners will want to be under 1%, naturally. But what is the optimum height? Me, sometimes I'd love to be 8'10"; other times I'd like to be 4'10". Does the board of saints assign everyone the same height, so that we're more manageable, so there's competiton and resentment, so there are no celestial Napoleons running around causing trouble? If we're all the same height, at least it makes fitting your wings a lot more straightforward, and would keep inventory management down to a very cost-effective mode of operation. What is the optimal height, 6'? And is it different for men and women? AGain, who's deciding all of this?

And sexual attributes? Are all the guys going to be an average of 5"? The shorties probably like this idea, whereas the celestial Ron Jeremy's probably think that's a pretty raw deal. And the women--what about breast size, nipple size, buttocks size, hips and waist? Who gets to choose, or do we all just default to some generic standard, the heavenly cookie-cutter mold of human dimension and proportion and construction, from which no deviation is allowed?

So, by the time you get to ironing out all of these imperfections and blemishes and generally considered physical limitations, what will we all look like? Will the women all be the 1980 Cheryl Tiegs? Will the men all be a taller Tom Cruise, or a slightly less gruff Liam Neeson? Will we all be the same? Hell, will there even be a male-female difference? Is the soul a sexual entity, or is this a corrupting stain of the flesh?

Will there be black and white in heaven? Brown and yellow? No one could argue, except frothing idiot racists, that racial differentiation is a flaw or handicap, so that would necessitate racial diversity in heaven, right? After all, God put us down here this way, so there's a reason, after all, even if we have no idea what it is. So we'll still have our racial differences in heaven, of which most folks are highly possessive and proud, except maybe Michael Jackson and other freaks, but he'll have enough identity issues to worry about with all of the original things of his reverting back to their original, God-given state. So does this mean we get soul food in heaven? Chinese and Thai? If so, I'm all for it. Lots of diversity, sure.

Okay, in heaven will we all be the same? A yes answer is the logical and inescapable conclusion of a celestial process that weeds out all imperfections and blemishes and limitations, and handicaps. But then again, we all keep our free will and ability for self-determination, right, since that's a basic tenet of the concept of heaven? So maybe some folks will find ways to make themselves stand out from the generic and identical choir invisible. So we're back to tattoos, and--gasp!--piercings. Would that be allowed in heaven? Would your dear, departed grandmother countenance your nose ring, multiple ear holes, or metal apparati strung through other portions of your post-mortem divine body/shape/form? Even if she does put up a stink, who wins the argument? Does God care if you have painted fingernails?

If there is a heaven, isn't it really about the total actualization and realization of everything that truly matters, the most important things there are? For the die-hard religionists, that of course means the Glory of God, sitting around praising and worshipping Jesus, making Buddha and Allah happy all of the time. That scene means that there is no free will or freedom, but that upon death and ascension everyone is unwillingly transformed--if you're good enough to transcend and ascend--to a mindless drone in the service of the respective Deity. There is no more personal decision making or choice; you are an unthinking slave, serving the ultimate master blindly and with no choice or options as your eternal reward for being a Good Boy/Girl down there in the realm of the mortal.

And if there really is free will and freedom of choice, I think heaven is going to be a pretty loud and colorful, highly energetic, and in many ways a very hectic and interesting place. Everyone gets to do and be whatever they want, all the time, 24/7 in days and weeks and years that never end. There is no concern for safety since it's not an issue to begin with, and it's nothing but having fun, doing what you want to, all the time. And looking the way you want to. So maybe you want that shaved head with a pentagram right on the top of your melon--no wait, then you'd be an un-made-up Boy George, and holy crap is that guy one sad, sorry, drug-sotted and ugly sonofabitch. But you're getting the picture, right?

But if it's all about self-actualization, there will be no need for diversity or anything else. We'll all just be who we are, pure energy, pure soul, pure love, whatever mystical form or concept that The Big Guy may have in store for us. None of it will matter, nor will it even be an item for contemplation; there will be no capacity for that kind of thought as it will be totally irrelevant. This will be existence on a plain of which we cannot conceive.

If this is so, doesn't that make our time on Earth a false, hollow, meaningless and utlimately pointless way station on our way to actualization or a return to the true soul? If we transcend all of the physical, mental, physical, and mystical concerns that so plague us on earth once we die and move on and/or up, then what is the point of being on Earth at all? Is it an object lesson on being grateful for your wings and harp, about being happy you're not down in hell eating the red-hot balls of monkey shit? I am missing the point on what life on earth is all about if there is a heaven at the end in which all doubts and fears and concerns and wrongs and all other questions about life as a mortal are rendered moot. I've yet to hear any holy man of any religion give an explanation of this fundamental paradox.

This is assuming you believe in all of this. I think it's all ridiculous; you die, and that's that.

So, are there wheelchairs in heaven? Yes, of course there are, if that's what you want, but probably not too many of them.