God, the Absent Father

As I drive I'll often hit the scan button, for that mindless yet moderately entertaining roulette of what the airwaves will randomly deliver. Usually I'm just looking for some music that I haven't heard 18,000 times already--thanks, classic rock and oldies whatever--and usually I'm disappointed. Nothing but commercials, that and what Clear Channel and the other mega-media conglomerates have determined to be my optimal musical listening range. Can't wait to get that XM into the new car and be free of these bastards.

And so it was on the way to work the other day the dial stopped at one of the FM Jeezus channels. Now, a quick aside: How is it that within the last five years or so all of these Jeezus channels have popped up on the FM band? It's not like fidelity, stereo separation, and sound quality are primary concerns of the average Jeezus listener, given the fact that the shitty church acoustics and paternalistic drone of the inevitably male speaker give away the program instantly. So, it's not hi-fi or channel separation. Me, it looks an awful lot like each market has got a Jeezus station or two or five--four in my metropolitan market--that are either one or two digital clicks away from the most popular stations, and those stations that are most in the need of dramatic, high-contrast, good-and-evil differentiation. Amazing it is that there's a Jeezus station right next to the only classic rock station in our local marke. And there's another Jeezus station about .5 Mhz away from the cluster of vile secular humanist public radio stations down at the low end of the dial. And another up at the far end, where the popular shock jocks and all the news stations live.

Me, I see the right-wing neo-con fundamentalist shadow government at work here. These are the folks who want to remake the USofA in their own Christian image, and are very determinedly and doggedly and highly orginzationally doing just that. They've got vision and organization and money, and they're making it happen, while we atheists just sit around and observe and complain. They're slowly crowding out what they don't like, and when that doesn't work quickly, they're coming at it from the side, right next door, offering that contrasting message, lurking--wow, just as a pedophile would do--right where they know their target folks will be going for something other than what they are offering. When they succeed in changing the Constitution to declare the USA a Christian Nation and the national re-education camps start going up and the forcible conversions and deportations begin as the introduction to the full-on Christianization of America, that's the day I burn my IDs, erase my fingerprints, and go underground to start burning down churches. Beware, folks, because that's just what these self-righteous, intolerant, racist, and absolutely, totall, fully committed motherfuckers want to do, and anyone who doesn't agree with them is a mortal enemy. After all, eternal life and salvation is at stake, and they're all so afraid of what they've done--and not done--in their lives that life after death is scaring the living shit out of them.

But I digress.

So, my radio hops to a spot, and up pops my 7-second preview of the station. And it's a Jeezus station. I stop the dial and listen a bit, just so I can hear what kind of slanted, factually incorrect garbage they're slinging to their intentionally ignorant demographic today. And that day it was an alleged panel of three (obviously white) men, all learned, all talking about taking God and Jeezus and all of that stuff into your life, and how the Bible is the word of God and all of that rigid, unthinking and unquestioning dogma. Can't ask questions, because none of us are smart enough. Can't ask questions because none of us are important enough for God to answer. He's too busy to bother with mere individual mortals. But wait, if he's omnipotent, it would be a cosmic blink to manifest for every single mortal and answer a question or two, to appear and show the robes and the beard, see the Heavenly Host. If he's all that, and that's what we're told, it would be a piece of cosmic cake to pop in and out of mortal lives to reinvigorate the belief system. And if we're not important enough, then who is? Why am I not important enough? I'm the guy who doesn't believe; I'm the guy who needs it most. If God and Jeezus and everyone else up there are so into me, as we're constantly told, then why am I not important enough for a manifestation? Why do the biggies in the church get the attention? Why does the Pope get to be the representative on Earth? He's just a man, like me, after all.

And then came the bit that really snagged me. One of the smart Jeezus guys shifted the conversation to note that all of the major atheists in history, and he rattled off Marx and Stalin and Lenin and Napoleon and Freud and Mao and Hugh Hefner had all had self-admitted horrible relationships with their fathers. First, I noticed that all of the names that he mentioned were easily dislikable. The vast majority were immediately recognized commies, the perfect demographic for America Heartland to sink its hate right into instantly, without question, hesitation, or any form of questioning (although Marx was primarily a socialist economist, but who the hell knows that?). And Napoleon was Frech, more instant hatred. And Freud was a Jew, and one who experimented with and explored the workings of the mind, the imagined, and the hidden. What better kind of guy to focus some hate upon? I mean, just check out this hateful, twisted offering, just the kind of stuff these guys were playing to: http://www.jewwatch.com/jew-mindcontrol-freudianism-oxford.html. And of course, the last example is Hugh Hefner, the father of American pornography. Yeah, the guy is a sad and sorry doddering old man now, but he's the guy who opened up New Frontier America to women without the constriction of their clothing. Never mind that Playboy and its business operation have always been and remain rather tame and tasteful, given what's on offer out there now. The Jeezus guys couldn't mention Larry Flynt or much more aggressive and graphic other industry names, as those would be lost on the mainstream listener.

So, said Smart Jeezus Learned Guy, what was true to see from his study was that their failure to have a relationship of care and love and respect with their own fathers was why they could not conceive of and open themselves up to the father-son, father-child relationship that is required for believe in God. Strongly implied was that the reason they had gone on to be such ugly, hateful, harmful national and international icons of everything anti-Christian was because of this. Because they had no experience in a positive paternal relationship, then they had no context in which to embrace the proper (Christian) relationship with God.

Goddamn that was some clever stuff! It smacked me right between the eyes, a holy and sanctified two-by-four--bam!--right in the forehead. So, since I'm an atheist, by their definition my relationship with my father is broken, incorrect, wrong, and not what it should be, nor has it ever been. Of course, the Jeezus guy's argument also implicates my father in my failure, a cheap shot if you ask me. The simple brilliance of the reflexivity of the argument just floored me: atheists have shitty father-son relationships, so have no basis from which to build the correct person-God paternal relationship. So, as an atheist, I would have to have a bad relationship with my father. How brilliant is that? I have to admit I gained right then and there some respect for the guy who thought this up, yet another ostensibly deep and learned and academic argument for why those who can't and won't and don't believe are bad people, wrong people, broken and abused and emotionally stunted people.

And then I got pissed. Who is this sonofabitch to speak of my relationship with my father? He doesn't even know me, but is passing his own remote judgment, informed by his unwavering faith in something that doesn't exist. No, wait, that's exactly what these folks do anyway, all of the time, so why should I get upset at yet another Christian judgment upon me and my life and my character? Whatever. Same argument and problem, same hollow self-righteousness.

But wait. Let's look at the father-son/God-believer schema once more. So what is the nature of my relationship with God? When has he been there for me? When I've asked for help--with homework, with girls, with revenge and anger, with a broken-down car, and in genuine absolute terror a couple of times in my life--where has he been? I've genuinely needed him and wanted him and asked for his presence and counsel, but he's not been there for me. He's been an absent Father. I've sat and worked through this, a lot, and have asked him to come to me and help me sort it out, one on one, father and son. My dad did this for me when I was small and I asked him for his help. My dad was there for me in Cub Scouts and baseball and football and all the other sports. My dad helped me with my homework, and kicked my ass (emotionally and physically) when I needed it and deserved it for all of the stupid things I did. God has never done any of that for me. God has never punished me, nor has he rewarded me. God has never told me he's proud of me, or has reached down to give me some extra allowance. God has never held open his arms and given me a hug and told me he loves me, and as much as I rail and bitch and curse these motherfucking self-righteous Christian evangelists, I've asked and asked and asked him to come on down and do that. God has never told me that he's happy to see me again and happy to see that I'm happy too. All I'm offered is ignorant, self-important, intolerant, racist, close-minded fools who has appointed themselves as arbiters of the faith, who have appointed themselves interpreters of meaning and value, and use their time to pass judgment upon others. They've appointed themselves as gatekeepers and arbiters and obstacles between me and God, people with whom I have to negotiate and with whom I have to agree before they grant me the access that they control. I don't need or want them, just as I never needed a counselor or other representative to sit and talk things out with my own dad. I want to talk to my Cosmic Dad, and have told him this, a lot. And he's never home. I don't know if he's run off, found someone he likes better or can't handle being responsible for me, but if we're using the father-son relationship here, then I've been abandoned. I've wanted the relationship, I've never wanted it more than now, but he's not there, and never has been.

Beware, those of you out there who have the free minds and courage to question what you hear and what you are told, those of you who ask about the nature of faith and ask for proof. Keep doing it, keep up your courage. And don't let these pompous Christian fools bring you down. You're not alone in your doubt.